What a waste…

I’m not an environmentalist by any means, but I don’t like it when materials are produced that needlessly go to waste.  Which is why I hated walking out my front door this morning to find this:

A phonebook.  In 2012.  I love how they put the QR code in the corner like, “Hey!  We’re part of the digital age!”  Those yellow sacks were all over the neighborhood.  So much paper.  So many man hours to distribute. What a complete and total waste.  At first, I thought it might make an interesting entry to compare the time it took finding a number in the phonebook versus googling it.  But then I looked down at my hands and realized that I’d just looked up Pino’s Pizza and Tanning on my phone and the phonebook was still on the table.  So I decided that, its original purpose obsolete despite Yellow Pages holding on as hard as they can, I’d try to find another use for that big, stupid, antiquated book.  At first, I tried the obvious:

A HAT.  But it wouldn’t really stay on my head, and yellow does nothing for my complexion.  So I kept trying:

A CUTTING BOARD.  This worked okay, but the food tasted like the way newspaper smells. Soily.  No go.

A BEER KOOZIE.  This had promise.  But then the pages started getting soggy.  And it really didn’t keep the beer cold at all.  I lost a perfectly good beer to ambient temperature.  What else will you take from me, Yellow Pages?!  I knew I had to get MORE CREATIVE.

iPAD CASE.  Didn’t really fit.  Kinda killed the whole sleek Apple thing.

BUTT ENHANCEMENT.  Too square. And frankly, my ass doesn’t need help.

TOILET FOOTREST.  Especially useful if you have one of those tall toilets where you have to squeeze on tippy toe.  But there was no traction, and I slid out from my seat like a water slide.  Then I noticed the pages.  Thin, crumply, like a…

ROLLING PAPER!  But smoking the ink gave me a headache.  And honestly, it was kind of a waste of weed, a joint that large.  Who am I, Snoop Diddy?

A SEX TOY?  This created way more problems than it solved.  Paper cuts, friction, my wife walking in.  This one was a bad idea from the start.  So, as a last ditch effort to turn trash into treasure, I tried my hand at MODERN ART.

Interesting.  But too post-modern for my taste.  And way too political.  I guess there really is only one place for a phonebook in 2012.