Archive for the Funny Objects Category

The Beauty of the Human Body?!

Posted in Attitude, Funny Objects, Ironic on June 25, 2013 by Arthur Gradstein

There is so much debate these days about how we came to be.  Science vs. religion.  Evolution vs. intelligent design.  If you ask me, and you didn’t, scientists and fundamentalists should be fighting to put the blame on the other party as to who’s responsible… because the human body is fucking asinine!

It’s not beautiful and miraculous.  It’s chock full of design flaws and straight up stupidity.

Brilliantly stupid: the esophagus.

We all know this sideways guy…


Yes! Let’s combine our breathing functions, our eating functions, and our vomit response into a single tube!  Awesome — when we eat something too big, we die.  Really?  That shouldn’t have even made it past the prototype phase.  Was there no more room in the neck for a second tube?  If not, why can’t I find a button down shirt I can actually close around my girthy headroot?  Although, combining breathing and eating did result in the comedic gold that is the burp, I really think Yahweh or Darwin could have given this one some more thought.

Dumb dumb dumb: serotonin.


Serotonin is the molecule in our brains that regulates happiness.  The more serotonin we have, the happier we are.  However, it also plays a major role in the intestines for digestion.  And too much serotonin causes irritable bowel syndrome!  So, the chemical responsible for making us happy also gives us bubble guts.  Experience too much joy and you’ll get the rhea.

A cruel joke: our lust for unhealthy food


Clearly, we are drawn to fattening and unhealthy foods, if honey boo boo is indicative of the American population.  Taco Bell is basically crack.  I know, I know, this is leftover design from when food was scarce, so we adapted to seek out high-caloric content foods.  But now that times have changed, either god or evolution needs to get up off their fat ass and change our tastebuds so that shit that IS good for us, like kale, broccoli, raw almonds, whatever, tastes as good as chicken McNuggets do. I can’t wait 1 million years to like the taste of brussel sprouts and to eat them without farting.

The greatest offender of all…  BALLS.


C’mon.  Balls have got to be the stupidest design of the entire body.  Aside from looking completely ridiculous, they have to be at a different temperature than the rest of us to function properly, so they have to dangle outside us in a wrinkly bag.  And couldn’t we put that bag somewhere safer?  Instead of right in between our legs where we squish them every time we lay sideways?  And why are they so damn sensitive?  If a turtle can develop a shell, can’t we have a built-in bone cup or something?  Give me the ability to retract them.  When I feel like they are too hot, I’ll pick a safe corner and let them out for some air!

Basically, scientists should be blaming god, and god should be blaming science, because whoever is responsible for making our toes so painfully stub-able deserves to get kicked in HIS dangly bag.  Take THAT, Buddha!



What a waste…

Posted in Funny Objects on June 7, 2012 by Arthur Gradstein

I’m not an environmentalist by any means, but I don’t like it when materials are produced that needlessly go to waste.  Which is why I hated walking out my front door this morning to find this:

A phonebook.  In 2012.  I love how they put the QR code in the corner like, “Hey!  We’re part of the digital age!”  Those yellow sacks were all over the neighborhood.  So much paper.  So many man hours to distribute. What a complete and total waste.  At first, I thought it might make an interesting entry to compare the time it took finding a number in the phonebook versus googling it.  But then I looked down at my hands and realized that I’d just looked up Pino’s Pizza and Tanning on my phone and the phonebook was still on the table.  So I decided that, its original purpose obsolete despite Yellow Pages holding on as hard as they can, I’d try to find another use for that big, stupid, antiquated book.  At first, I tried the obvious:

A HAT.  But it wouldn’t really stay on my head, and yellow does nothing for my complexion.  So I kept trying:

A CUTTING BOARD.  This worked okay, but the food tasted like the way newspaper smells. Soily.  No go.

A BEER KOOZIE.  This had promise.  But then the pages started getting soggy.  And it really didn’t keep the beer cold at all.  I lost a perfectly good beer to ambient temperature.  What else will you take from me, Yellow Pages?!  I knew I had to get MORE CREATIVE.

iPAD CASE.  Didn’t really fit.  Kinda killed the whole sleek Apple thing.

BUTT ENHANCEMENT.  Too square. And frankly, my ass doesn’t need help.

TOILET FOOTREST.  Especially useful if you have one of those tall toilets where you have to squeeze on tippy toe.  But there was no traction, and I slid out from my seat like a water slide.  Then I noticed the pages.  Thin, crumply, like a…

ROLLING PAPER!  But smoking the ink gave me a headache.  And honestly, it was kind of a waste of weed, a joint that large.  Who am I, Snoop Diddy?

A SEX TOY?  This created way more problems than it solved.  Paper cuts, friction, my wife walking in.  This one was a bad idea from the start.  So, as a last ditch effort to turn trash into treasure, I tried my hand at MODERN ART.

Interesting.  But too post-modern for my taste.  And way too political.  I guess there really is only one place for a phonebook in 2012.

Buddha’s Hand

Posted in Funny Objects on June 3, 2012 by Arthur Gradstein

I was food shopping the other day, rounded the corner, and was horrified and aroused by this amazing object:

Wow!  The grocer told me it was called a Buddha’s Hand, a citrus that could be used for zesting, jellies, and for perfuming rooms.  But I knew what it was really for: doing impressions of Davy Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean.