Spinach Teeth

Posted in Experiments on June 11, 2012 by Arthur Gradstein

Part 1

I had a lovely dinner with my wife last night at a restaurant called “Gulfstream”.  I ordered the roasted chicken.  She ordered the salmon.  Which meant I ate the salmon and she ate my chicken. I wanted that chicken.

Anyway, both dishes came with a side of sautéed spinach.  It was delicious.  But both my wife and I caught a serious case of spinach teeth.  No, not that there was spinach caught in our teeth, an embarrassing and unfortunate condition often paired with Gohomealonus, but rather we had a chalky or fuzzy sensation on our teeth.  It lasts for a few hours, or until a vigorous  a-brushin’ and a-spittin’.

After dinner, I was curious as to the cause of spinach teeth so I queried the almighty Google.  Here’s what he said:

“(Spinach teeth)” is caused by the high quantities of oxalic acid found in spinach. The oxalate crystals leak out as you chew, and even more, when you cook spinach and these crystals coat the teeth. Drinking milk with spinach can exacerbate the chalky sensation. Rhubarb, beets, kale and chocolate are high in oxalic acid as well.”

Thanks Google, you are such a good dad!  The wiki goes on to suggest that the Oxalic acid is a defense mechanism to discourage animals from eating the plant.  Because nothing dissuades a hungry bear like the discomfort of chalky teeth.

But I think man is superior to bear, and to prove it, I’ve decided to show Oxalic Acid that I can handle whatever it can throw at me.  Which apparently is a combination of cooked spinach, rhubarb, beets, kale, and chocolate washed down with a glass of milk.

Part 2

Just got back from the grocery store.  I checked out a girl with a pretty face in the parking lot.  Then I noticed she had unusually thick  thighs.  Then “she” walked into a wig store.  Yikes.  On with the experiment.  Let’s meet the players!

GREEN KALE

Better Known As: Spinach’s giant, hairy cousin

RHUBARB

Most Famous For: the tang in strawberry-rhubarb pie

Often Confused With: demon celery

A RED BEET

Inspiration for the song: “We got the beet!”

Greatest Prank Ever Pulled: Bloody urine freakout

CHOCOLATE

Last seen: Cheating on Mint with Peanut Butter.  Rightfully so.

MILK

Working Title: Nipple Water

SPINACH

Made famous by: Popeye, E. Coli

The Plan

Roast the beet, saute all the vegetables together with some garlic and butter, and then melt in some of the chocolate.  Chew it thoroughly for 30 seconds to extract maximum chalkyness.  Swallow.  Take a large sip of milk.  Observe Results.

PART 3: The Eatening

Okay.  It’s all chopped up and ready to go.

I melted some butter and threw it all a pan.  It actually looks like it might taste half-decent.

It’s all cooked and combined.  Now to make sure I get a spoon with a bit of everything.  Here’s goes.

It’s in my mouth.  Start the clock.  Initial reaction: this tastes fucking terrible.  It’s bitter, it’s tart, it’s fibrous.  The chocolate in no way goes with anything else.  The garlic was a terrible idea.  The beet tastes like sadness.  I’m chewing.  Fighting gag reflex.  But…

The chalkyness is growing.  Fast.  Quickly becoming unbearable.  I am totally chalking out.  At 30 seconds, I force myself to swallow and reach for the milk.

The taste of the milk is actually welcome.  It washes away the horror of what I just swallowed.  But it definitely intensifies the chalkyness on my teeth.  We’re at chalk mach 6.  Now I have a terrible case of dry mouth like I open-mouth kissed the business end of a Dyson vacuum that indeed has not lost suction.  It’s overwhelming.  Fuck you, Oxalic Acid.  My stomach hurts and my teeth feel like a caterpillar.

After a few minutes, I take a picture of my chalky teeth.  The results are shocking.  Almost like the Oxalic Acid is trying to tell me something…

*UPDATE: THE FOLLOWING MORNING*

I guess that meal was even chalkier than I thought.  Whoa…

What a waste…

Posted in Funny Objects on June 7, 2012 by Arthur Gradstein

I’m not an environmentalist by any means, but I don’t like it when materials are produced that needlessly go to waste.  Which is why I hated walking out my front door this morning to find this:

A phonebook.  In 2012.  I love how they put the QR code in the corner like, “Hey!  We’re part of the digital age!”  Those yellow sacks were all over the neighborhood.  So much paper.  So many man hours to distribute. What a complete and total waste.  At first, I thought it might make an interesting entry to compare the time it took finding a number in the phonebook versus googling it.  But then I looked down at my hands and realized that I’d just looked up Pino’s Pizza and Tanning on my phone and the phonebook was still on the table.  So I decided that, its original purpose obsolete despite Yellow Pages holding on as hard as they can, I’d try to find another use for that big, stupid, antiquated book.  At first, I tried the obvious:

A HAT.  But it wouldn’t really stay on my head, and yellow does nothing for my complexion.  So I kept trying:

A CUTTING BOARD.  This worked okay, but the food tasted like the way newspaper smells. Soily.  No go.

A BEER KOOZIE.  This had promise.  But then the pages started getting soggy.  And it really didn’t keep the beer cold at all.  I lost a perfectly good beer to ambient temperature.  What else will you take from me, Yellow Pages?!  I knew I had to get MORE CREATIVE.

iPAD CASE.  Didn’t really fit.  Kinda killed the whole sleek Apple thing.

BUTT ENHANCEMENT.  Too square. And frankly, my ass doesn’t need help.

TOILET FOOTREST.  Especially useful if you have one of those tall toilets where you have to squeeze on tippy toe.  But there was no traction, and I slid out from my seat like a water slide.  Then I noticed the pages.  Thin, crumply, like a…

ROLLING PAPER!  But smoking the ink gave me a headache.  And honestly, it was kind of a waste of weed, a joint that large.  Who am I, Snoop Diddy?

A SEX TOY?  This created way more problems than it solved.  Paper cuts, friction, my wife walking in.  This one was a bad idea from the start.  So, as a last ditch effort to turn trash into treasure, I tried my hand at MODERN ART.

Interesting.  But too post-modern for my taste.  And way too political.  I guess there really is only one place for a phonebook in 2012.

Difficult Riddles

Posted in Riddles on June 3, 2012 by Arthur Gradstein

These are really tough riddles, so I hope you are smart.  Highlight below each riddle to reveal the answer.

What’s red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

Who’s still together after all their shit?

My buttcheeks

Buddha’s Hand

Posted in Funny Objects on June 3, 2012 by Arthur Gradstein

I was food shopping the other day, rounded the corner, and was horrified and aroused by this amazing object:

Wow!  The grocer told me it was called a Buddha’s Hand, a citrus that could be used for zesting, jellies, and for perfuming rooms.  But I knew what it was really for: doing impressions of Davy Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean.

Pork: Be Inspired!

Posted in Ironic on June 2, 2012 by Arthur Gradstein

Targeted advertising is the wave of the future for monetizing the internet. By pulling keywords from our websites, emails, and profile information, we now see ads that are specific to us.  Write an email about going to the beach and boom — you see ads for sunglasses, sandals, and liposculpting. What an age!  But it seems that those behind the system might be abusing that power…  My friends Andrew and Helene were kind enough to invite my wife and me to a shabbat dinner at their house a few weeks ago. So, what ad gets attached to the evite? A huge picture of a pork chop wrapped in bacon with the headline: PORK: BE INSPIRED.  I revisited the page a few times to see if the ad would rotate, but nope, the marriage of pork and shabbat has been etched in the tablets. Apparently to the pork moguls, shabbat-celebrating jews represent an untapped (and uninspired) resource to *hock* their pork products.

WELCOME TO STOLEN DUCK!

Posted in Greetings on June 1, 2012 by Arthur Gradstein

Welcome to Stolen Duck, dedicated to all things funny and also to finding out who stole my leftover peking duck from the office fridge three years ago.  If you have anything funny to share, or information related to my missing crispy duck, leave it here.  We will never forget…