Archive for the Ironic Category

The Beauty of the Human Body?!

Posted in Attitude, Funny Objects, Ironic on June 25, 2013 by Arthur Gradstein

There is so much debate these days about how we came to be.  Science vs. religion.  Evolution vs. intelligent design.  If you ask me, and you didn’t, scientists and fundamentalists should be fighting to put the blame on the other party as to who’s responsible… because the human body is fucking asinine!

It’s not beautiful and miraculous.  It’s chock full of design flaws and straight up stupidity.

Brilliantly stupid: the esophagus.

We all know this sideways guy…

Esophagus

Yes! Let’s combine our breathing functions, our eating functions, and our vomit response into a single tube!  Awesome — when we eat something too big, we die.  Really?  That shouldn’t have even made it past the prototype phase.  Was there no more room in the neck for a second tube?  If not, why can’t I find a button down shirt I can actually close around my girthy headroot?  Although, combining breathing and eating did result in the comedic gold that is the burp, I really think Yahweh or Darwin could have given this one some more thought.

Dumb dumb dumb: serotonin.

Serotonin

Serotonin is the molecule in our brains that regulates happiness.  The more serotonin we have, the happier we are.  However, it also plays a major role in the intestines for digestion.  And too much serotonin causes irritable bowel syndrome!  So, the chemical responsible for making us happy also gives us bubble guts.  Experience too much joy and you’ll get the rhea.

A cruel joke: our lust for unhealthy food

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Clearly, we are drawn to fattening and unhealthy foods, if honey boo boo is indicative of the American population.  Taco Bell is basically crack.  I know, I know, this is leftover design from when food was scarce, so we adapted to seek out high-caloric content foods.  But now that times have changed, either god or evolution needs to get up off their fat ass and change our tastebuds so that shit that IS good for us, like kale, broccoli, raw almonds, whatever, tastes as good as chicken McNuggets do. I can’t wait 1 million years to like the taste of brussel sprouts and to eat them without farting.

The greatest offender of all…  BALLS.

balls

C’mon.  Balls have got to be the stupidest design of the entire body.  Aside from looking completely ridiculous, they have to be at a different temperature than the rest of us to function properly, so they have to dangle outside us in a wrinkly bag.  And couldn’t we put that bag somewhere safer?  Instead of right in between our legs where we squish them every time we lay sideways?  And why are they so damn sensitive?  If a turtle can develop a shell, can’t we have a built-in bone cup or something?  Give me the ability to retract them.  When I feel like they are too hot, I’ll pick a safe corner and let them out for some air!

Basically, scientists should be blaming god, and god should be blaming science, because whoever is responsible for making our toes so painfully stub-able deserves to get kicked in HIS dangly bag.  Take THAT, Buddha!

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Signs of a Bad Economy

Posted in Ironic on October 26, 2012 by Arthur Gradstein

The economy is in bad shape.  You can see it driving around: all of those empty storefronts, going out of business signs…  it’s tough out there.  But I didn’t realize just how bad it was until I saw this while driving around today:

Holy shit!  People are taking out loans for a dollar?  I wonder what the rates are… and is that soda really worth the interest?  But it gets worse!  Money is so tough to come by now that even the once-worthless penny now has value!!!

Clearance.  Marked down from $99.98 to… $99.97!!!  How can any business make money in this climate when they are forced to take such mark downs!  I am really scared… we need to take action.  I suggest we attack Canada.

A Human/Animal Double-Standard

Posted in Funny Animals, Ironic on July 9, 2012 by Arthur Gradstein

A friend of mine got a new dog.  A really ugly dog called an Affenpinscher.  That of course makes it adorable.  Then I started thinking — why are we so much more critical of humans than of animals?  What’s up with the double standard when it comes to appearances?  Should we not view each other and be viewed with at least as much dignity as we see the beasts of the wild?  We think this is cute:

But this guy is ugly and creepy:

The elephant has wrinkles to increase the surface area of its skin to keep itself cool.  It’s majestic and noble.

This lady is just old.

The walrus — highly evolved for its environment.  Its blubber keeps it warm in icy waters and stores energy.

Fat fuck on beach.

Enough of this double-standard!  No longer will I be thought of as short, hairy, and going gray — the ultimate fate of a many a Jewish male.

Instead, I am compact, like the agile squirrel.  I am insulated, like the Polar Bear.  I will be a silvertop, like the powerful and protective silverback gorilla.  I am… Squearilla!

Yes, that is EXACTLY how I demand people think of me.

You gotzta spend money to SPEND money, yo!

Posted in Ironic on June 21, 2012 by Arthur Gradstein

You know the economy is upside-down and in trouble when you have to spend money to spend money.  It used to be “spend money to MAKE money”, but I guess someone ran the numbers and they didn’t add up.

For example, parking at the mall.  I’m there to spend money at Cinnabon and The Gap.  This is good for everyone.  I get to enjoy a frosted crack-bun and a cardigan, and my dollars help Viacom or General Electric make a bigger profit.  That means the stock goes up and stock holders are satisfied just to eat another orphan, instead of foreclosing on your mother’s house AND eating another orphan.  At least I think that’s how it works.  The orphan can’t be saved, I know that much from business school.

Another example: my wife ordered checks today from our bank.  We’ve handed the bank all of our cash to lend out for their profitable gain.  It used to be that they rewarded us for this with interest on our accounts or even small appliances.  I discovered toast thanks to Wells Fargo.  But now there is virtually no interest and certainly no blender.  You’ll have to pay to park to buy that.  And things that used to be free, like CHECKS, now cost $13.95 plus $6 shipping.  I’m paying to spend my money that Chase is making money off of.  Wtf?  Sidenote: checks suck and are antiquated.  If the only way to pay you is by check, PLEASE sell your business to Viacom or General Electric.  They’re coming for it anyway.

The one that bothers me the most: cover charges.  Bars and clubs charge me to enter the premises so that I can pay them double the cost of a mixed drink for myself and that girl over there.  And I guess her chubby friend too.  “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.”  I think Plato said that.  Anyway, there is no reason I should spend $20 bucks at the door to spend $13 bucks on a Banker’s Club and Tonic after waiting ten minutes behind a living cloud of Acqua Di Gio.

I think we are all being fooled to pony up additional dough because we’re told that “times are tough”.  So we justify it as a temporary condition.  But no more!  Join me in taking a stand and voting George McGovern in ’72!

Pork: Be Inspired!

Posted in Ironic on June 2, 2012 by Arthur Gradstein

Targeted advertising is the wave of the future for monetizing the internet. By pulling keywords from our websites, emails, and profile information, we now see ads that are specific to us.  Write an email about going to the beach and boom — you see ads for sunglasses, sandals, and liposculpting. What an age!  But it seems that those behind the system might be abusing that power…  My friends Andrew and Helene were kind enough to invite my wife and me to a shabbat dinner at their house a few weeks ago. So, what ad gets attached to the evite? A huge picture of a pork chop wrapped in bacon with the headline: PORK: BE INSPIRED.  I revisited the page a few times to see if the ad would rotate, but nope, the marriage of pork and shabbat has been etched in the tablets. Apparently to the pork moguls, shabbat-celebrating jews represent an untapped (and uninspired) resource to *hock* their pork products.