There is so much debate these days about how we came to be. Science vs. religion. Evolution vs. intelligent design. If you ask me, and you didn’t, scientists and fundamentalists should be fighting to put the blame on the other party as to who’s responsible… because the human body is fucking asinine!
It’s not beautiful and miraculous. It’s chock full of design flaws and straight up stupidity.
Brilliantly stupid: the esophagus.
We all know this sideways guy…
Yes! Let’s combine our breathing functions, our eating functions, and our vomit response into a single tube! Awesome — when we eat something too big, we die. Really? That shouldn’t have even made it past the prototype phase. Was there no more room in the neck for a second tube? If not, why can’t I find a button down shirt I can actually close around my girthy headroot? Although, combining breathing and eating did result in the comedic gold that is the burp, I really think Yahweh or Darwin could have given this one some more thought.
Dumb dumb dumb: serotonin.
Serotonin is the molecule in our brains that regulates happiness. The more serotonin we have, the happier we are. However, it also plays a major role in the intestines for digestion. And too much serotonin causes irritable bowel syndrome! So, the chemical responsible for making us happy also gives us bubble guts. Experience too much joy and you’ll get the rhea.
A cruel joke: our lust for unhealthy food
Clearly, we are drawn to fattening and unhealthy foods, if honey boo boo is indicative of the American population. Taco Bell is basically crack. I know, I know, this is leftover design from when food was scarce, so we adapted to seek out high-caloric content foods. But now that times have changed, either god or evolution needs to get up off their fat ass and change our tastebuds so that shit that IS good for us, like kale, broccoli, raw almonds, whatever, tastes as good as chicken McNuggets do. I can’t wait 1 million years to like the taste of brussel sprouts and to eat them without farting.
The greatest offender of all… BALLS.
C’mon. Balls have got to be the stupidest design of the entire body. Aside from looking completely ridiculous, they have to be at a different temperature than the rest of us to function properly, so they have to dangle outside us in a wrinkly bag. And couldn’t we put that bag somewhere safer? Instead of right in between our legs where we squish them every time we lay sideways? And why are they so damn sensitive? If a turtle can develop a shell, can’t we have a built-in bone cup or something? Give me the ability to retract them. When I feel like they are too hot, I’ll pick a safe corner and let them out for some air!
Basically, scientists should be blaming god, and god should be blaming science, because whoever is responsible for making our toes so painfully stub-able deserves to get kicked in HIS dangly bag. Take THAT, Buddha!
Stolen Duck 