You gotzta spend money to SPEND money, yo!

You know the economy is upside-down and in trouble when you have to spend money to spend money.  It used to be “spend money to MAKE money”, but I guess someone ran the numbers and they didn’t add up.

For example, parking at the mall.  I’m there to spend money at Cinnabon and The Gap.  This is good for everyone.  I get to enjoy a frosted crack-bun and a cardigan, and my dollars help Viacom or General Electric make a bigger profit.  That means the stock goes up and stock holders are satisfied just to eat another orphan, instead of foreclosing on your mother’s house AND eating another orphan.  At least I think that’s how it works.  The orphan can’t be saved, I know that much from business school.

Another example: my wife ordered checks today from our bank.  We’ve handed the bank all of our cash to lend out for their profitable gain.  It used to be that they rewarded us for this with interest on our accounts or even small appliances.  I discovered toast thanks to Wells Fargo.  But now there is virtually no interest and certainly no blender.  You’ll have to pay to park to buy that.  And things that used to be free, like CHECKS, now cost $13.95 plus $6 shipping.  I’m paying to spend my money that Chase is making money off of.  Wtf?  Sidenote: checks suck and are antiquated.  If the only way to pay you is by check, PLEASE sell your business to Viacom or General Electric.  They’re coming for it anyway.

The one that bothers me the most: cover charges.  Bars and clubs charge me to enter the premises so that I can pay them double the cost of a mixed drink for myself and that girl over there.  And I guess her chubby friend too.  “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.”  I think Plato said that.  Anyway, there is no reason I should spend $20 bucks at the door to spend $13 bucks on a Banker’s Club and Tonic after waiting ten minutes behind a living cloud of Acqua Di Gio.

I think we are all being fooled to pony up additional dough because we’re told that “times are tough”.  So we justify it as a temporary condition.  But no more!  Join me in taking a stand and voting George McGovern in ’72!

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